Elocution, Elocution

Kirstie's Home Made Christmas has to be the most pointless programme I have ever seen. Yes, it's just another stage in the relentless poshing-up of Christmas by the likes of Nigella. But what's it for?! Surely no actual human will do any of the things she suggests in this show, other than make mince pies, which she did really badly. The spread at the end looked gaudy and horrible, and unlike the idea of it all looking homemade it in fact looked incredibly manufactured, because none of it had any charm. I actually like Kirstie and have been a fan of her massive buttons and weekly 'Phil tells me that size isn't everything' jokes on Location, Location, Location. But this is such a poor vehicle for her, such a desperate stab at getting her to do anything: 'Oooh, Kirstie and Christmas, that's a winner' says a commissioning editor, not caring what the programme will end up being – which is more of a dog's dinner than Christmas dinner.

She dipped her hand repeatedly in a saucepan of hot water and sprinkled 'edible' glitter on everything, so I can imagine hospitals all over the home counties will now be stuffed with posh people eating tinsel and sticking their hands in the kettle. But it was her comment about markets that really made me laugh: that market stall holders are experts who really know where things have come from. In the case of the markets round my way it's usually from a spate of local burglaries or a factory in Korea.

Still, I sat down and watched it while I had my tea, so the cynical commissioning editor won again.

Spencer and Allsopp (Deceased)

Watching old Location, Location, Locations on E4: period pieces from an age of optimism and modernity, now every bit as dated, absurd and blackly comic as old episodes of The Prisoner or Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased).