Shouting at the Telly’s Guide to Christmas TV

Christmas Eve

Victoria Wood’s Midlife Christmas (BBC1, 9pm)
My all-time favourite comedian is back with a one-off Christmas show. It’s fair to say that her work in the last twenty years hasn’t ever managed to recapture the inspired madness of the early days which culminated in the peerless Audience With, but even so there’s bound to be a few good laughs here, even if there will be too many celebrity cameos to digest.

The Hound of the Baskervilles (BBC2 9pm)
Obviously I am a big fan of the Tom Baker version, and this production goes head to head with the Guy Ritchie film which is released on Boxing Day. Richard Roxborough had his work cut out following the many greats who have played Holmes in the past, but it looks great, and was adapted for TV by my A Level drama teacher Allan Cubitt.

Christmas Day

Doctor Who (BBC1 6pm)
This is my highlight of the season. The best show of the decade heads for massive transformation, from mercurial Tennant and lovely RTD to untested Matt Smith and grizzly Moffatt. It’s got Oods, it’s got John Simm, it’s got Bernard Cribbins and best of all it’s got Catherine Tate (also appearing in Nan’s Christmas Carol at 10.30pm), the surprise of the series, and the best companion he’s had since the likes of Romana. I’ve deliberately avoided all spoilers but this promises to be the best thing on telly over the holiday.

On the Buses/Mutiny on the Buses/Holiday on the Buses (ITV3 5.25pm)
Forget Star Wars or The Godfather, this is the 70s movie trilogy. It tells you everything you need to know about how desperate and clapped out Britain was in the era of the 3 day week, strikes, inflation and oil crises. It features a casual full house of ‘isms’, where ugly men get laid by dolly birds while ugly women are a threat, most particularly as bus conductors. I would recommend you watch them as a piece of history, but they are unwatchable and seedy in a way that is too depressing even for Christmas.

Citizen Kane (BBC4 7pm), Appointment with Death (ITV 9pm), Grey Gardens (C4, 9pm)
Very spoiled by these three. A spectacular Syrian setting for Poirot gives a shot in the arm to this epic series of adaptations, and Citizen Kane is alright, I s’pose. Grey Gardens should be a real treat, a dramatised version of the celebrated 70s documentary (shown on C4 on 12.45am on Wednesday 30th) about a once glamorous mother and daughter trapped together in their house as it goes to ruin around them.

The Royle Family (9pm), Gavin and Stacey (10pm)
Two of the loveliest, warmest and funniest sitcoms of recent years. Caroline Aherne is the lost genius of British comedy, and it’s a treat to have her back on TV. And Smithy and Nessa are slowly taking over in G&S, and about time too.

Boxing Day

Harry Hill’s TV Burp Review of the Year (ITV 6.30pm), Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe (BBC4 10.30pm)
The two best shows about TV on TV are both doing their reviews of the year tonight. Which makes writing about them slightly redundant. So I won't.

You’ve Been Framed at Christmas (ITV 7pm)
No amount of studied comedy artistry, erudite wit or comic timing can get me in the same way at the moments of violent shock presented in You’ve Been Framed. A couple of Christmasses ago there was an amazing clip of a posh elderly woman in a huge kitchen with a canister of double cream which suddenly exploded all over her. Nothing has come near to making me laugh as much since.

The Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show (BBC2, 9.10pm)
Featuring Mr Andrew Preview. I've seen it forever, it will still crack me up.

The Third Man (BBC4 7.15pm)
The film that launched a thousand Portishead songs, and one of the most perfect thrillers ever made. Nothing better.

Sunday 27th

Home Alone 4 (ITV 12.10pm)
Is there actually a Home Alone 4? When did this happen? I thought there were two of the buggers. This is terrible news. I’m so sorry everyone.

The Greatest TV Shows of the Noughties (C4 9pm), The Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2006 (C4 10.35)
Mind you, it’s not as bad as C4 later, which has the worst evening of TV imaginable lined up – a clip show and then a repeat of an old quiz of the year. C4 is ending the decade in typically duff style. For the most part this channel has been the TV wing of New Labour in the noughties, with its glut of aspirational property, parenting and lifestyle shows. But behind that there’s also the lazy non-shows, the fillers of which tonight is a classic example.

Outnumbered – The Christmas Special (BBC1 10.30pm)
It’s up there with The Thick of It when it comes to modern sitcom genius, and a Christmas special is long overdue. Who thought BBC1 family sitcoms could still be good? It’s the females who make this so funny – Claire Skinner and Ramona Marquez as mother and daughter. Why it’s on so late rather than prime-time Christmas Day is beyond me.

Monday 28th

An Englishman in New York (ITV 9pm)
The Naked Civil Servant was a landmark, not just in TV but society in Britain in the mid-seventies. For its frank and flamboyant representation of Quentin Crisp’s life this was a remarkable achievement. And on ITV too! And so this long-awaited follow-up is bound to be an instant classic. Well, let’s hope.

The Day of the Triffids (BBC1 9pm)
I was in love with John Duttine when I was a kid, after seeing him in the 1980 version of this brilliant story. I hope Dougray Scott does him proud in the remake, which follows hot on the heels of the recent reinvention of Survivors, a similarly bleak and dystopian vision of a post-apocalyptic Britain.

Tuesday 29th

This is the day that schedulers forgot. There’s nothing to see here. Please move along.

Wednesday 30th

Piers Morgan’s Review of the Year (ITV 9pm)
Can you imagine what this will be like? Responsible for my least favourite TV moment of the year (making Ronnie Corbett cry, forchrissakes) everyone’s favourite anal fissure bounces over the events of the year on the space-hopper sized ego he uses for transit these days.

The Turn of the Screw (BBC1 9pm)
A dead cert, a classic ghost story for Christmas. One of the most dramatised novels of all time, it’s hard to know what a new production can do, but it does look like a goodie all the same.

633 Squadron (ITV4 8pm)
I love a good war film. Heroes of Telemark is also on over xmas, but this is probably my favourite. The music alone quickens the pulse, and all the battle scenes in those nippy mosquitos are fantastic. George Chakiris makes the swarthiest Norwegian going, making no effort to not appear as a groovy sixties beatnik. Worth watching it just for his hair.

New Year’s Eve

Always a low point in scheduling, this NYE is no different. Not a single stand-out show on any channel for the whole day. Go out, get drunk and snog a tramp.

New Year’s Day

Are You Being Served Night (BBC2 5pm)
Prepare for the history of the pussy joke and the limp wrist. Like Round the Horne before it, the camp innuendo and cast of 2D caricatures should be a nightmare but are actually an endless delight. With a documentary and a couple of episodes (including the pilot), this should be loads of fun.

EastEnders (BBC1 TWICE!)
It’s the culmination of the Syed and Christian love story, as it’s Syed’s wedding day. I’m in no way recommending this because of my love of Syed and all things Syed. No, it’s top drawer drama and no mistake. With Syed.

Doctor Who (BBC1 6.40pm), Gavin and Stacey (BBC1 9pm)
It’s the end of an era for both Tennant and Ruth Jones and James Corden tonight, so I’m expecting to be wrung out like a dishcloth by the end of the day. New year, new decade, who knows what delights it will bring? If it’s anything like as marvellous as either of these it’ll be a triumph.